but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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