He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Just puked most of my soul out..
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