So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
