I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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