Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
