I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
