Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
