im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Randomize
