just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
