Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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