You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Where did you get a picture of my penis
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
