If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
