Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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