Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
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