yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize