you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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