remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
two words: eviction party
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
