gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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