i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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