Your face is a jimmy john
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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