I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
