I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize