All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
