When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
