I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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