My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
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