I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
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