I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Randomize