Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
