i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Randomize
