I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
