fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Randomize
