About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
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