What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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