You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I understand Curling. That high.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Randomize
