I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
