i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize
