I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
