It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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