so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize