I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Randomize
