I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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