so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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