the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
