There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
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