We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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