yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
