During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
