I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
