just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
