Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize