So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
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