a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
