i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize