I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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