I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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