I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
i dont even know how to be here
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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