i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
