i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
