I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
