Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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