If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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