The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Randomize
