Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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